I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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