We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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