I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We need a shit load of segways right now
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
