the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
