New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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