So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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