There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
