i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
