You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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