You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
