The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
