No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
