i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You should frame my arrest warrant.