I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
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i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
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It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.