come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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