I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
