i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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