I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
