I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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