please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
