Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just found puke in my bra..
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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