OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
