I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
