the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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