You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
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I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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