Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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