you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
