My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just threw up on my dentist
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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