her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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