My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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