k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
