Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
