i may or may not be watching the land before time
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
