Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
