So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
