Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
NoShamevember. You game?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
