she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
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Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
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I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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