All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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