On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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