Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(503): View more from Oregon

the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.

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(503): the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me. http://tfl.nu/obxv

Replies (38) Good night (5413) Bad night (901)
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(707): View more from California

It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.

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(707): It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling. http://tfl.nu/12gk

Replies (9) Good night (639) Bad night (3737)
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(408): View more from California

Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.

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(408): Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling. http://tfl.nu/ek2q

Replies (26) Good night (769) Bad night (4300)
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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(513): I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before. http://tfl.nu/ut58

Replies (25) Good night (4736) Bad night (1602)
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(623): View more from Arizona

By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.

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(623): By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us. http://tfl.nu/p1x8

Replies (12) Good night (1394) Bad night (599)
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(480): View more from Arizona

Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.

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(480): Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight. http://tfl.nu/9xmn

Replies (3) Good night (1195) Bad night (485)
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(909): View more from California

he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.

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(909): he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him. http://tfl.nu/hp2h

Replies (6) Good night (1725) Bad night (708)
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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(302): She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before. http://tfl.nu/kra3

Replies (11) Good night (3690) Bad night (605)
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(678): View more from Georgia

Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"

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(678): Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS" http://tfl.nu/1tt6

Replies (4) Good night (1564) Bad night (629)
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(402): View more from Nebraska

Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.

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(402): Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord. http://tfl.nu/2tip

Replies (9) Good night (403) Bad night (1054)
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(914): View more from New York

I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.

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(914): I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me. http://tfl.nu/fqr3

Replies (6) Good night (411) Bad night (1182)
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(619): View more from California

He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.

(760): View more from California

Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.

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(619): He is just a personification of a vodka hangover. (760): Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes. http://tfl.nu/e8aw

Replies (1) Good night (1030) Bad night (484)
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(847): View more from Illinois

Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.

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(847): Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs. http://tfl.nu/vh12

Replies (3) Good night (630) Bad night (284)
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(325): View more from Texas

She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.

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(325): She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin. http://tfl.nu/rsir

Replies (7) Good night (638) Bad night (378)
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(760): View more from California

This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful

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(760): This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful http://tfl.nu/eznx

Replies (1) Good night (407) Bad night (256)

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