Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
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I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
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He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"