Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?