i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
