I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
