speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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