i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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