then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
