"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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