Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
