I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
