Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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