I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
