I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
