Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
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You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
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I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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