In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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