just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
