I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
