and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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