you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
