I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
